Journeys
Journeys

Wednesday, Aug. 14, 2002, 7:19 a.m.

I know, I know...I have been away. Forgive me.

I was on a journey in Illinois. While there I visited many old friends. I really can't describe how great the trip was for me. It was exactly the right time to go. I haven't been back in five years and I left things (and people) rather abruptly and with little fanfare. I think that mentally, physically and spiritually, I needed to go back in time a little and survey what really happened to me there. I went there to obtain a degree in Theological Studies. Doesn't that just sound prestigious? I didn't get it. There has been an enormous amount of guilt surrounding that issue. Well placed or not, I have experienced generally bad feelings about not completing my thesis and leaving school.

Going back made me realize that I didn't just give up. With good reason, I chose not to complete the degree. My friend and I talked about his struggle over margaritas at 2:00 in the afternoon and I was vividly reminded of why I made the decision in the first place. My friend is one of the absolute, hands down, without a doubt best ministers I have ever encountered. If there ever was a man with a heart for helping, guiding and comforting people, he's the one. In his presence, one feels instantly comfortable and almost nurtured. The churches he has served LOVE him. He also happens to be in an amazingly healthy and loving relationship with a man. He has to hide it from the church.

Instead of being a leader for change, the second largest denomination in the world, the United Methodist Church, continues to allow astoundingly superb ministers to struggle with the burden of being unable to share themselves fully with a congregation. It sets them up to hurt. "Self-avowed, practicing homosexuals" cannot be ordained in the UMC. So if you are gay but don't tell anybody and don't practice homosexuality, you can fulfill your calling.

What a load of shit.

That is why I left. Going back, I realized that I checked out long before I left. Walking back into the building was oppressive. I felt tense and angry while I was there. I had this overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong. Why would I want a degree from there? I received an education that I do not take for granted. I am completely content with my life now. I do not plan to work in or for the United Methodist Church again, ever - even if they up and decide to do the right thing. I don't need the degree. I got the education.

For five years I have felt the need to justify my actions. I have felt shameful and even apologetic when explaining to people that I left my thesis undone. I've heard the, "Oh but you're so close, don't you think you'll just bust out that paper so you can have the degree?" and the, "One day you will regret not finishing after having done all that work." and the, "I just can't believe you spent all that money and have nothing to show for it."

Truth is, I have plenty to show for it. It just doesn't show on the outside.