Tired
Tired

Sunday, Feb. 22, 2004, 8:25 p.m.

Funny, I am so tired, yet not as tired as I might have been before. There's been a huge shift in my attitude lately and I am pretty sure I like it.

Sickness has visited our house of late. When I think on it, I believe that one of us has been sick or just feeling generally unwell for almost a month now. Zane had the stomach virus again for the second time in three weeks and I swear to GOD if he gets it again I will hunt down the Norwalk virus strain and kill it my damn self. It's like a vendetta for me now...I'm going through the house spraying Lysol on every surface that might even be harboring those little fuckers - cloth, tile, whatever...you get sprayed. Die little germs, DIE!

Things outside of our household are stress inducing but for some reason I just don't feel the need to be upset about stuff. Mostly because it doesn't do me any good. Doesn't change anything but my mood if I get pissy. Doesn't make anyone feel or heal any better - not even me. So I'm just not upset. This is what life is. We take care of each other, we live day to day and we love what we've got because, at the risk of sounding like an eighties sitcom theme song, we've got a lot going for us compared to some.

I set up a service week for the kids at school. Sent them down to a restaurant that serves the homeless during lunch. The teacher thought "it might do them some good" to serve in a soup kitchen. Part of the movement toward civic engagement that I detest is the "we really want our kids to experience something" attitude. Want them to see "what it's really like out there" because it will make them better citizens. We don't just want them sorting donations or working in the office or planting trees or recycling, we want them to be where the action is. Can you make sure that they actually come in contact with some poor people? So I give my speech about meeting the agency's needs and that sometimes they just NEED someone to help them file. I give the speech about how non-profits struggle for funding and volunteers and how service doesn't always mean rubbing shoulders with the "less fortunate" and how soup kitchens don't exist so that your group of teens can go down and "experience" homelessness in the hopes that they will be shocked into life changing epiphanies that will make them model citizens, and the teacher always says, "Yeah, I know, I just don't want them to be bored." Well, Jesus no! We sure wouldn't want your rich, over stimulated, self-absorbed, computer-loving, Hilfiger-wearing snots to be BORED while in service to others.

Now, these are Montessori kids I am talking about here, so they aren't even in the same category as the ones I worked with in the past. Most of their parents volunteer and have instilled a sense of service in them that mirrors the respect for self and others that underlies the Montessori philosophy. These are good, albeit sheltered, kids who really believe that they can make a difference in the world. So I sent them to Cafe 458 where lunch is served restaurant style. Patrons walk in, are greeted by a host, taken to a table with linens and fresh flowers, given a menu selection, and are served by volunteers. It's an amazing set up. Our kids came back with great stories and I feel great about having sent them there.

So now if you count the Team Building class, the management of another facility, the sexuality education retreat and now the service week and the mosaic class...that's FIVE additional responsibilities and no extra money. Not to mention the total revamp of the Summer Camp program. That's all I am saying.

It just makes me tired. The thing is, I freaking love my job. I love the people I work with. I love what the place stands for and the attitude we have about education and children in general. I love that I am in a place where I can share my talents and where I am appreciated for who I am and what I can do. But I need more money. Period. That's frustrating because I don't know how to ask for it. But I am starting to hatch a plan. It's "perculatin'" as Mary would say. Great, now I've got that song in my head.

What the hell is "hateration" anyway?

Saturday, Feb. 07, 2004, 9:42 p.m.

There are times in life when peace is the overwhelming emotion I feel. These times are very few and far between. I don't just refer to being content, which I would have to say I am a good deal of the time. What I mean, and what I sometimes am lucky enough to experience is a deep sense of peace and large quiet. It's very much an "all's right with the world" sort of state of mind in which I know that this moment in time is true, right and ultimately will be indescribable. I am in the right place for the right purpose and I have done the right thing. I am getting what I deserve maybe, but that's too limited and arrogant a way to say it.

As I mentioned, these times don't happen often. In fact, they have only occurred in single digit fashion in my life. During these moments I swear I can hear music playing.

The first time I noticed one was college while I was in the chapel. I had the double-edged privilege of maintaining the three college chapels during my time at Berry and I often spent after hours time in them just hanging out and feeling the house o' worship vibe. I love being the only one in a sanctuary. Being alone in one is the only time I've every understood why they call them that. Never really felt at home there in a crowd - "Men go crazy in congregations, they only get better one by one", you know. At any rate, this particular night I just felt this large quiet, this peace that I attributed to the presence of God at the time, but now I don't so much, which is why I find it so difficult to reiterate. It's a profound sense of rightness.

Another time was once when I came down from Chicago and surprised the guy who turned out to be my husband. I don't ever want to forget the look on his face when I got out of the car and hugged him that night. It was just a moment. I knew it was right, the way he looked at me in that moment. He's looked at me like that since then, like he can't believe I'm really there and I always hear the music. "One day I looked up and there you stood, like a simple question looking for an answer."

Today there was another one. Zane took an extra long nap this morning so after lunch I was feeling a little sick and I took him up to the bedroom with me figuring I would put him in our bed and we could play for a while, not really expecting him to sleep, but really I just wanted to lie down for a while. So I put him down next to me and he just smiled, snuggled right in, sighed against me and fell asleep. It was the most trusting, most innocent, most right thing in the universe.

A peace that passes my understanding.

A large quiet.

Tuesday, Feb. 03, 2004, 5:04 p.m.

It's funny that I haven't had much to say lately, yet so much has been happening. My job has gone into overdrive and I've been busier than I ever wanted to be around here. Of course I have no more money to show for it. In fact, I have less money than I've had in a while and I am not quite sure how that happened. I guess it was Christmas maybe. It sucks.

I've lost 7 pounds and I feel pretty good about that and I've started working out almost daily and I feel really good about that. What they say is true, it actually does make me feel pretty good.

Zane got really sick about a week ago and that was one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed in my entire life. I know that I will see other things from him, but he was just so helpless and I was very worried about him. It took him almost a full week to get back to himself. I love himself. I guess I take for granted that he is such a happy and good-natured child. Most of the time he smiles and laughs (one of my favorite sounds)and makes cute faces. When he is unhappy he is big, bad unhappy. He is starting to get to the point where he doesn't want his parents out of his sight, which is somewhat endearing and a little tiresome. I wish I could describe how much I love that little guy already. I have only known him for 7 months and yet he is such an integral part of my life that I can't imagine it any other way.

So much in life is uncertain. I can't figure people who don't regularly take a look at their lives and realize how lucky they are to have family who support them, to have beautiful, healthy children, to have a place to live and food to eat. So many of us want so much more than we deserve. I'm all for self-respect and stuff, but I think that maybe the world could use a damn dose of humility. Sometimes I just want to take people by the shoulders and look them straight in the eyes and say, "You know what? You are not entitled to ANYTHING. You have been given everything you have. You have worked for NOTHING and you don't deserve more. Just because people are willing to give you stuff doesn't mean you have to take it - and if you do take it, for the love of fuck, show some damn humility and be grateful. It won't always be there!"

Sermon over. Well, sort of. It just seems that folks in our culture believe they are deserving of something just because it is offered to them. I don't speak to this without my own lessons to back me up. I have been given one big chance to start over. It could have gone a lot worse for me. I could have gone to jail but for the generosity of a few people and you damn well better believe that I never felt as though I deserved to be bailed out - quite the opposite in fact. I was quite glad to be offered the chance to redeem myself, but I repaid my debt both physically and emotionally and it took me five years to do it. So stop talking to me about what you want and can't have. Stop talking about what you aren't and love what you are and love the people who have worked their asses off to help you get there.

Now is the time to reciprocate. Maybe they need you as much as you needed them.